Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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