I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
