I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
