I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Omg I joined a choir last night...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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