There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
