my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
