This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
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When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize