She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My bed smells like the plague
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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