mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
