I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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