just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
