i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
