I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
