My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
