I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
