Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
