I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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