You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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