ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
