Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
