I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
