I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
