I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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