I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
