Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
