I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
