If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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