turn off your phone and go to bed
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon