i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.