a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
