my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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