Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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