I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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