do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
