I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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