I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
