theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We're too hungover to prance.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
why is half of my head shaved?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
