Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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