dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
there was a trapeze. enough said
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
