that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
