when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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