I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
