Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
