No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
