he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Green mimosas i think yes
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My ass is underappreciated
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
