The beer is more important than you right now.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
