I love black thongs
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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