The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
