this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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