There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
