FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
