A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
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You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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