yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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