Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
