My sheets look like a crime scene.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
